Now Playing Tracks

i can’t sleep. i work in less than six hours. and i started to go to bed. but then i got the text to call. and i’m scared. i try to be strong for him. but i can’t hold it in anymore. i’m scared. and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know what i can do. except pray and pray. and listen and listen some more. and i want to give it all to God. i know that’s what i need to do. but i’m scared. i don’t know if i’m ready to let him go. when i first found out about it a couple of months ago, i was ready. but, now i’m not so sure. now it’s reality. and now i have to face reality. and i need to do it sober. and i don’t know if i can do it. i know i can do it for this moment. but what happens when i have to leave for work or anything else for that matter? what happens when i have to leave the safety of this house? i don’t know how to deal with this. not without any of my vices. i’m scared. for him. for me. for all of us. God, I need you. Help me to be the family member You want me to be.

i realized a little bit ago just one more way i can see things changing. i’m home sick for the first time in six months. and you know what i hate most about it? i hate that i can’t go to my meetings and see my friends. and i hate that i’m missing work. and not just because my paycheck is going to be severely lacking next week. work is something normal people are supposed to do, in my mind. and i spent so much time slacking off at work or calling in sick or whatever. i just don’t want to be “that employee” anymore. and it sucks. but apparently everybody gets sick sometimes. so i guess i just gotta let it go and accept it. rest and get back as soon as i can.

much love all around.

rain

i really want to go walk in the rain right now. feel the rain hit me. let everything go. feel whatever i feel. maybe then i’d finally let myself really cry. i don’t know. but it’s raining right now. i love the rain. and i really want to go out in it.

Life is such a beautiful thing. I don’t know if it’s driving down the highway with my windows rolled down and the sun shining or what, but all I can think today is how amazing it is to be alive right now. It’s the simple things-seeing the sun and the moon, feeling the breeze, seeing a child’s smile-that make today so worth everything I’ve worked so hard for. I’m so happy to be here today.

love all around.

P.S. Day 59. And I think I’m going to be okay.

third time’s a charm

one of my kids has been in the hospital for twelve days now. and since i found out a week ago, i have been trying to visit her every couple of days. when i went last sunday, she was asleep. she was asleep tuesday when i saw her too. so when i went yesterday, i fully expected to walk in and find her sleeping. but she was awake, though not in the best of moods. we played with the tiaras i brought for her to make for about fifteen minutes before she laid down for a nap. but i got to see her for a little bit while she was awake. third time was a charm.

as i was driving home from the hospital last night, i was thinking about the magical number three in my life. the only thing i could think of was that i have been in treatment for substance abuse three times (one outpatient, two inpatient). and all in the last ten months. this time i feel like things are really, truly different. i can’t explain it really. but they just are. i feel different. third time might just be a charm here, too. i’ve tried to get clean and sober many more times, but i just couldn’t do it. not on my own. and not my way. so for some things, third time’s a charm; other things take a few more tries. BUT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

love all around.

me time

i took a day off from worrying about everything, particularly my lack of job situation, today. and it felt so good. i don’t know the last time i just took time for me. i slept in (unintentionally) and then went to an amazing meeting. then i just hung out watching tv with a couple of my roommates all afternoon. and then i went out for coffee with one of my friends. it was so cool to just hang out with someone talking about life and telling our stories. i feel a little less alone in this world. i take that back. i feel a lot less alone than yesterday. taking a day for me turned out to be one of the greatest things i could do for myself. it really gave me a better look at the big picture: i’m alive, i have a wonderful place to live, i have amazing friends everywhere i turn who really do care about me, i have a car and clothes and food on the table. most importantly, though, i’m alive today. and, today, i was really able to see what a gift that truly is. i haven’t exactly made life very easy for myself, nor did i make it one worth living. but i have a second (or third or fourth, i’m not sure) to turn things around. and for that i truly grateful. i’m so blessed to be here. and i thank my God for never giving up on me. love all around.

i think they call this self-pity.

i went to Catholic Charities again today, looking for more help and the job board. as i was sitting in the parking lot smoking another cigarette, i started to wonder when my life became such a mess. i know the drugs and alcohol quickened my downfall, but my life was a mess long before that. i used to be so sweet and innocent. everyone else came first. i had hopes and dreams. i was a good student and daughter and granddaughter. i was the one showing up at Catholic Charities to volunteer. when did the tables turn on me? i never thought i would be the one needing help with rent or food or anything. in high school, i knew i was the most likely out of my group of friends to end up partying and all. part of me could even see myself ending up in rehab. but somehow i never saw myself being alcoholic. i could see me abusing it. and i could see me becoming a drug addict. but i just knew alcohol couldn’t possibly get me into trouble. as much as i could imagine getting in bad with all this stuff, i still it couldn’t happen to me. i’d never be resourceful enough to find the drugs; i’d wait until i was 21 to start drinking a lot. but it did happen to me; i did find ways to get fucked up. more than i ever imagined. i don’t know. i’ve just been thinking about it a lot this afternoon. and i don’t know what else to do except write what i’m really thinking. and maybe this would be a good time to call my sponsor. maybe get someone else’s experience, strength, and hope. i think that might be a real good idea right about now. anyway, guess it’s time to go fill out more job apps…after i call my sponsor. love all around.

it’s so interesting to look at past posts. some of them predicted things that ended up happening. others make me realize just how far i’ve come. it’s great to feel okay today. well, that’s not completely true either. it really has been a pretty frickin good day so far. and i can’t wait for tonight. so i gotta feelin this is just one of those uppity days. yay!

while i slept

I had the strangest dream last night. Actually, it was probably more of a nightmare. Anyway, I ended up back in rehab again in it. I also had three warrants out for my arrest. All of my roommates and home group members were there too, though I don’t think they were admitted. I was in detox for my entire stay. There was a girl named Viorella there, and she was passing me drugs while I was there. And two guys and another girl came in, and we went to the bar instead of meetings like we had signed out to go to. Then Nick showed up at the mall. (Where the fuck did the mall come from???) And he was helping me run from the cops. Literally. I ended up knocking down a pregnant lady and slid down 327 steps trying to get away. And then I was back in rehab, like nothing happened.

More than anything, I woke up terrified I was back in rehab. I could deal with the rest of the stuff that went on. But going back just isn’t in my plans. And that would mean I had gotten kicked out of my house. Oh yeah, and I’ve got a running list of people ready and willing to kick my ass if I go back out again. So yeah. But the thing is, if I do go back out, this is the reality of what my life could turn into. IF I make it back. And, just for today, I don’t want that. “Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.”

i’m back.

ended up back at rehab, just over a month ago. wasn’t intending to go. only went up to see a friend graduate. planned on bein there a couple hours. ended up stayin for 23 days. back in an oxford house with five AMAZING roommates. no. seriously. they’re the best. last week was an emotional trainwreck. there’s somethin about learnin to feel again that absolutely sucks. but it’ll be worth it. my friends PROMISED me it’d be worth it. lookin for a job again too. had an interview today. part of me hopes the job’s mine; part of me is terrified to get it. they sell my d.o.c. there. nervous about bein around it. beyond nervous, really. papa’s havin his other knee replaced right now. more worried about it this time around for some reason. more than anything i need a fucking cigarette. haven’t smoked since octoberish. but damnit. i need one. this day’s gonna drive me to new lows if i don’t smoke.

anyway. glad to be back. love ya.

We make Tumblr themes