Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

i went to Catholic Charities again today, looking for more help and the job board. as i was sitting in the parking lot smoking another cigarette, i started to wonder when my life became such a mess. i know the drugs and alcohol quickened my downfall, but my life was a mess long before that. i used to be so sweet and innocent. everyone else came first. i had hopes and dreams. i was a good student and daughter and granddaughter. i was the one showing up at Catholic Charities to volunteer. when did the tables turn on me? i never thought i would be the one needing help with rent or food or anything. in high school, i knew i was the most likely out of my group of friends to end up partying and all. part of me could even see myself ending up in rehab. but somehow i never saw myself being alcoholic. i could see me abusing it. and i could see me becoming a drug addict. but i just knew alcohol couldn’t possibly get me into trouble. as much as i could imagine getting in bad with all this stuff, i still it couldn’t happen to me. i’d never be resourceful enough to find the drugs; i’d wait until i was 21 to start drinking a lot. but it did happen to me; i did find ways to get fucked up. more than i ever imagined. i don’t know. i’ve just been thinking about it a lot this afternoon. and i don’t know what else to do except write what i’m really thinking. and maybe this would be a good time to call my sponsor. maybe get someone else’s experience, strength, and hope. i think that might be a real good idea right about now. anyway, guess it’s time to go fill out more job apps…after i call my sponsor. love all around.